Another season of thankfulness

As bitter sweet as this holiday season has been I am so thankful to have the health and happiness of these two beautiful children. I feel inadequate sometimes because I am only one person, but I see the smiles and hear the laughter from them and I know that I am doing something right. It is hard to believe that Christmas will be here in 7 days, it is also a great feeling of accomplishment that I have gotten this far. I never would have thought that I would be able to face my days head on and enjoy every tradition of Christmas a few months ago. This has been such an eye opening experience and I am thankful for such a great support system that I have. I am not alone in this even though I don't have a spouse. At this point I am able to  remove myself from the situation emotionally and see how great it is. Yes, it would be nice to have a person to cuddle and love on and feel that affection, but it is also nice to not have someone to argue with or to hurt me with lies daily. As I am writing this B has put together a sleigh with a few reindeer out of stuffed animals and I just have to smile and thank God for this season.

I'll be home for Christmas

I haven't been home for Christmas in over 3 years and before that it was about 4. Every year I wished I could be home to celebrate with my family on the actual day and this year, I get to, yet it just isn't the same. Today I was listening to "all I want for Christmas" and I told B I wanted him and P for Christmas which B adamantly said "no, i no box. i open presents" lol. Then I mumbled that all I wanted for Christmas was my non broken marriage. And it caught me off guard to have said that because I didn't realize that my heart was still really yearning for that. I see couples celebrating anniversaries and expressing their love for each other through hard times as well as the good and I think how amazing that must be to be able to do that. I thought that we got over this huge hump and we would be able to look back and say how small that time was in our lives, but that hump ended up being our entire marriage. I would have never thought that the person I married would do the things he did and I would continue to try to work through it and make it better. So it is bitter sweet to know that I will be "home" for Christmas, even though it is without a key part of our lives.

On the 11th day of Christmas, Autism gave to me.....

This last week has been a huge week in personal growth for me. I feel like I have made such HUGE strides when it comes to myself and my outlook. I feel like I have been able to take a step back and see how much better the kids and I right now. A lot of this comes from learning to be content. I don't think I have ever been content in my life before. There was always something else I felt I needed/wanted, something I wanted to change about myself and so on. Right now I feel content with how everything is. There is nothing I can do about some of the things that are going on, but my emotions I can control to some degree. God has really gotten a hold of me and has helped me see how much I need this contenment to move forward with my life. I am feeling better and better and even though I wish things were different in certain aspects, I again, can't change them or others feelings. The kids are doing wonderful and B is really getting into the Christmas spirit. He asks if ho-ho has come, EVERY MORNING, so we are slowly starting to realize that Christmas is still quit a few nights sleep away, but I am loving the fact that he is so into all the traditions that I remember as a kid. The next 11 days are going to be so much fun! I can't wait:)

Elf on the Shelf

Our little Elf Meek arrived Dec 1st and I have been having so much fun with his different locations. I also have him leaving a tiny little present from the dollar store or the $1 bin from target which has been a huge hit with B. He is starting to get into it more and more each day and I love extending the magic of Christmas to 25 days instead of just one. This has also been a great thing to get my mind off of some of the stuff that is going on and I will take any break I can get. So tonight I am preparing to build an igloo out of mini marshmellows and putting some "north pole snow balls" in the freezer:) I think he will really like this idea. I love seeing him look for him every morning and hopefully I won't have to remind him that he needs to go and find him! Here was lasts night project

Oh Christmas tree Oh Christmas tree

We put up our Christmas tree and it was really nice to spend that time with the kids experiencing all the Christmas magic. B did so well putting each ornament on the tree and like any 3 year old, they were all on the bottom in a group. It was such a normal thing and I loved it so much. I can't get enough of when he does something a kid his age would do. P was so cute picking up any piece of glitter that fell to the ground and was very fascinated with the lights on the tree. I had a great time but it was bitter sweet. In the back of my mind I kept thinking about what last years tree decorating was like and it was hard to not get sad, so I would just busy myself with the kids and let those feelings leave me as quickly as they came. It is starting to get easier the longer we go without much communication from their dad and I don't know how to handle that. I don't want to let go of all these feelings, but holding onto them for someone who can't even call for over 2 weeks to see how his kids are doing is pretty silly on my part. So as we enter this fun Christmas season that will be so much fun now that B is starting to understand the traditions that take place around this time, I am going to keep my mind in the moment and now dwell too much:)

Blue Christmas?

The kids and I had the last few days to ourselves and it has proven to be quit a wake up call to what our lives might look like once we are living on our own. It.is.pretty.lonely. I have tried to keep busy the first few days going to a hands on museum and spending time at my sisters, but it is hard to lug 2 sleeping babies into a very dark and quiet house late at night all by yourself. So yesterday and today we have stayed inside and there is not much conversation going on. Obviously B is talking way more than he was just a few short months ago, but it is nothing like an adult conversation and P just babbles, so I have been left with my own thoughts and feelings and I have come to a conclusion on everything as, it sucks! It sucks huuuugggee to be a single parent around the holidays' but what I have learned about their dad in the last few months, I know we are in the right place for now. It may be too quiet but there is no arguing. There is no passive aggressive behavior and there is no lying. So as hard as it is to realize that things will be very different from now on, I know my kids are getting a healthier life emotionally. With that being said, I have busied myself getting Christmas decorations up and I have had fun doing it on my own a bit. It is overwhelming so I am taking it one tote at a time, but I think it will look great once I am done. I decided to not do our own personal tree this year. We have my parents huge tree to decorate and put presents under so it isn't like the kids won't have one at all, but I just can't handle the emotions attached to each ornament that is hiding in a bin right now. I have tried so hard to deal with each and every situations head on and work through the hurt as I go, but Christmas is going to already be the hardest holiday of them all and I think I will be better healed next year to go through all of that.

Hard to see through the tears

trying to hold on to everything that is important and letting go of things that are not worth keeping around at this moment. B is having some really good days recently. He actually tells her he is 3 when you ask him how old he is. He is starting to try to communicate to others even though he sometimes misses the mark. The point is that he is trying! P is really starting to walk:) She is so completely adorable and perfect, it makes my heart break knowing how much her dad is missing out on. We are up to 8 days of zero communication from him and it gets really hard especially in the evenings to not say something but I need to keep my mouth shut at this time. That is one thing I am learning is that not everything I feel needs to be said. There are some things that need to be kept to myself. I have been working really hard on my relationship with God. I have been asking for him to reveal to me what I need to work on and it has been quit a list! I am trying hard to keep my focus on the kids and live moment to moment. I know I will need to make some decisions regarding my situations with their dad and I am going back and forth with it all. So tonight as I am crying and my tears are blurring my view, I need to keep the focus on how amazing my kids are and being strong for them.

I don't want to talk about my feelings!

I have been shying away from writing here because I honestly do not want to face my thoughts and feelings. With the first major holiday coming up, I have been having a really really hard time dealing with everything. Their dad has made zero contact in 6 days and it is killing me. I can't stand that he doesn't care enough to text/call/skype with the kids. It is also hard because everything that the kids require is coming out of my pocket and I don't have much money to begin with. Since I hadn't worked for over a 1 1/2 years to tend to B and right now he still needs me here with him, I don't know exactly where to go with that. I have some ideas of things I want to be when "I grow up" but they are new ideas since I never thought I would be left to take care of the kids myself. So this week has been on reflecting. I have found out more info that their dad was hiding from me and it all just makes me wonder what was truth in our marriage. I know my feelings were truth, but were his? Did he ever really care? After what I've found out this week, I can honestly say, I do not know. You don't do the things he has done if you honestly love and care about your spouse. I am trying hard to figure out what my next move is going to be. Trying to see what my options are and if they work for all 3 of us. B needs me home. Whatever job I get, I have to be able to see him a lot. I can't make him go to school then ship him to daycare. He needs down time after school. He needs to be able to relax after working so hard during school. He just unfolds most days afterwards and after meeting with his teachers last week, I know that he really does a ton of work while he is there. P is much more easy going and would most likely go with the flow with whatever I chose, so B is the one I have to really consider at this time. So as much as I have tried to stay Thankful this whole month, I am definitely starting to feel down about it all. Most of my family will be out of town next week, so it is even more noticeable that things are totally not the same as they usually are. The only good thing is that neither kid remembers any traditions so we can start fresh and make our own starting now.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

I have taken a little break from writing for a bit just to clear my own head. I have been extremely busy with everything kid related. So now that I have decluttered physically and mentally, I feel like I can sit down and write. Things are going really really well for B. His school parent/teacher conference went really well and I was so encouraged when I left. It was so very hard to be doing something like that without my husband and it was just one more thing to check off my list that I have done on my own. B is doing a lot of things in school that he was not doing when he started. He is truly growing so much and I am so incredibly proud of him. It has to be very hard on him physically and emotionally to perform all these tasks every day and keep himself grounded and stable. He still has a lot to work on, but I know that he will someday hit all the mile marks. The other day he said one of his first 4 word sentences. He was basically letting me know that not having candy would make him cry, then he said "please make me happy". I kept my ground on no candy before dinner, but after he was in bed my mom and I did a little happy dance. We both can NOT believe how far his speech has come in just a few short months. So even though things can be hectic and overwhelming, I do try to keep my focus on the kids and how incredibly blessed I am to care for them.

whirlwind days

It has been a huge whirlwind few days. I left with a good friend to go and retrieve all of the kids and I's stuff. It was a pretty good trip til we hit the border of my old state and the memories started to flood back. it was a hard few hours and I was anxious just to get there and see it. The house was lonely. He didn't want to be there for his reasons, even tho it pained me to see that he didn't stay to see me. I wanted a hug and a hello from him so bad. I drove all that way and I wasn't worth sticking around for. I melted down a few times having to go through all the boxes of things that we used to share. All the wedding pictures, family photos and such. I yelled a lot and cried hard but I knew I needed to do all of these things here in that place. My friend was amazing. She took charge and worked around my sobbing mess a few times. I could not have done it without her. It was hard to know that would be the last time I would most likely be there. That is the house we brought P home to. The ride home was hard. There were a lot of tears shed for my non existent future with him. Lots of whys and ifs. I learned a lot about the "place" he is in at this time and I pray so hard that he will be able to recover and become a much better dad to our kids, but only time will tell. The kids were sleeping when we pulled in but they were so excited to see me in the morning and getting lots of hugs and kisses helped numb some of the pain that had sprang a leak within. Pain that I honestly thought I had worked through and I had dealt with. Pain that I thought wasn't there anymore, but obviously was just hiding for a few months. B was happy to see a lot more of his toys arrive and it helped make what I did worth it. Now that another thing has been done to make this separation more permanent, I have to keep telling my heart that he is done. I just wish my heart believed it.

Thankful for...

I am so thankful today for my daughter. The timing around when she was conceived was absolutely God. He knew that things would be like this right now and knew that the time she came to be was the exact perfect moment. I was so nervous about having a daughter, in fact after I found out I had really bad anxiety. I was afraid that I would do some of the things from my childhood that really put me down. I was afraid she would be anything like me. Now she is here and I could NOT imagine my life without her. She is such a girly girl already and I am so blessed.
I leave tomorrow to go and get the rest of my stuff. A girlfriend of mine is driving with me and it will be the longest 36 hours. I am so anxious just to get there and see the place. I haven't had to look at all the memories like that in over 3 months. I haven't seen my husband in person in that long, and I'm nervous to see him. He doesn't want to be there when I get there. He doesn't want to see me. It hurts because I think it would do him some good to actually see who he calls all these names. Today he started in on everything and I just said that I wasn't going to waste another breath trying to get him to realize that he was making the biggest mistake of his life. He said that it took two people to get into a bad marriage, and while I agree, I informed him that no marriage was perfect. You have to make a conscious effort everyday to make it better and there was no excuse for cheating. It doesn't matter what your spouse did/does, nothing makes that right. He scoffed at this, claiming I was just perfect and I told him I wasn't. I mentioned his siblings, saying you know that their marriages are not perfect. They each have their own set of difficulties within, but they are all still together. They chose to work past things and my husband has decided he doesn't want to work at it. He doesn't want to make all of this better. It pains me that he has done this, but at this point, all I can do is get my "stuff" and move forward however slow.

Thanksgiving Month

First off, Halloween was amazing! B had such an amazing time and I'll write about that sometime this week. I want to dedicate this month to giving thanks for what I do have. There are a lot of things that I don't have, people I wish were in my life and I could go on and on about it, BUT I want to turn my heart into one that gives thanks. I think that if you make an effort to look for the good, it changes your perspective and I could definitely use a shake up.
November 1st, I am thankful for my son's words. Oh I had some and then they were taken from me. I waited so long for him to express himself and I have finally gotten them! To hear his version of "i love you", I you, Mama is the most precious words. I get choked up thinking about when I would cry myself to sleep asking God to hear those words again. I didn't know if they would come back or when.
Yes, I do have a hard time listening to parents complain that their kids ask "why" way too much or have way too much of an opinion on everything and I just think to myself  "you have no idea how amazing that is. How "normal" it is and how much I long for it" So when I am about to tell B that he is talking too much, I catch myself and laugh. I am so grateful for those words that are starting to come off the tongue like they never left. I know it will be hard the closer it gets to Thanksgiving to name the things I am so thankful for in my life but I think I really need it. The year is almost done and the biggest of blessings are coming!

Putting my "nice hands" on

I am really starting to get organized with B and his schedule especially. I know that extreme consistency would make everyone's lives perfect, but of course that can't happen in a normal household. His O.T. explained that the reason why most kids do so well at school and then tend to unravel at home is usually because of 2 things. 1. School is very scheduled and consistent why home can't be that way. You have to make modifications on a daily basis and just life in general can get busy and 2. At home most kids feel safe and know that no matter what mommy and daddy are going to love them. So his school's O.T. put together a morning schedule with pictures and I asked B was each picture was and he seemed to get it. Next to each picture we can put a check mark next to it so he can feel the accomplishment on his actions. I am hoping that making his mornings so much better will help create a better day in general. Another thing that was mentioned in the meeting was making sure B wasn't running the household.  I know that I have been over indulging his behavior because I feel bad for what he is having to face and the fact that now his Dad isn't physically here, I feel like I just want to do anything to make him happy, but she said that saying "no" is really good for him. He wants to know that their are boundaries even if he sometimes doesn't like hearing it. If I give him choice and he picks it then is not happy about it, I need to put  my hand out and turn away letting him know that his actions of yelling and screaming are not going to work on me. I am a talker, like most women and she said that trying to rationalize the behavior is going to do nothing but possibly make it worse. So yesterday I did just that and he eventually calmed down then I went to him with a smile and tried to figure out how we could fix the problem. The rest of the week is working on "nice hands". It is a concept of reminding B to be kind and gentle to things, such as his sister. He can be extremely rough and this is at school and at home and I need to get that somewhat under control before he hurts someone on accident. I am to ask him to show me how he would touch the baby and let him show it on me and then I can either say "good" or help to change the strength of the touch. I have a hard time saying "nice hands" in public because it makes me sound like i'm some high and mighty person, but I will need to get over this stigma and realize it is better to be saying it and hopefully preventing someone from getting hurt. SO nice hands will be coming into our vocabulary here in the Ausome Household this week. Wish me luck!

His fancy schedule:

My patience runneth over

I had the opportunity to get away for the weekend and it was SO great to have some time to relax and have just adult conversation for 48 hours straight. Although it was hard the second evening to not have the kids with me, I was able to get great sleep and enjoy some girl time. I came home on Sunday and it felt like I was away for a week. My patience has been filled to the brim and I feel like this has really made me a better mom. As much as it is hard to get time to go away, I know that things like this even for 2 days can make all the difference. It was also reassuring to know that the kids were so well taken care of and that they had a great time with their grandparents, aunt and cousins. So we begin the week feeling very refreshed and ready to take on the days. With B's O.T. appointment last Friday, I have also been equiped with some new tactics to curb some of his behaviors and I'll be sharing more as I use them more and see if they really are working better.
This is one of the views from my mini trip

One for the books..

People who are able to remain completely calm when faced with anything are my heroes lately. I have no idea how they can stay so cool when faced with such adversities. I have been feeling like my patience is very thin the last week. I have to grit my teeth and take a breath so I don't say something to B that I would regret. This morning things were going okay with his morning routine. Although being woken up a few times in the night demanding things is hard to handle when I am not sleeping too well anyways and so I was much more grumpy than usual (B and I are SO not morning people). So I lost my temper when he started yelling and woke his sister up when I was hoping to crawl back into bed for like 30 minutes after the bus came and got him. It was stupid, it wasn't his fault. But I raised my voice back at him and the tears that welled in his eyes made my heart break into a million pieces. He was very quiet til the bus came and I felt horrible after he left knowing I had really hurt his feelings. Nothing usually bothers him like that and I made him feel that way. I felt like the world's worst mommy right then and there. When he got off the bus he was his usually happy self and I apologized for yelling and he said he was sorry for waking the baby. He carried that burden all day at school and that hurt even more. It is hard to raise these kids without a spouse but this isn't their fault at all. It also isn't my job to let them know how hard it is. They never asked for any of this and I am going to try my hardest to make sure they never know how hard this is on me. They need to focus on being kids and having fun not seeing me struggle. I know that all of these events this week has just been preparing me for my weekend. God knew I needed a break and my friend stepped in to help with it. We are going up north on Friday and I am so thankful she saw how much I needed this. I know this is what I need to recharge and be a better parent. I have been going back and forth on wanting to go because I haven't left the kids for this long and I feel like i'm being selfish for going. They already don't have a dad around because of selfishness and I don't want it to appear like I am being selfish too. But they will be in great hands all weekend and that will help and let me relax and enjoy being with friends

Turning the page

Today marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I had really been holding out hope that my husband would have had some sort of realization that this marriage and our family of 4 was what he wanted. It has been almost 3 months since we moved up here and if I would have thought he would still be as mad and harsh to me as the day I left I would have thought you were crazy. I can't completely close the chapter of him because we have two beautiful children together and we will be linked together for life in that way, but I can now start to look towards the future. I don't know why I thought things would change, even after being told he wanted nothing to do with me ever and if it wasn't for the children, he would never speak to me again, but I kept thinking about my kids and how they deserve two parents in the home. Then he told me today he gladly got rid of me, and that darn light bulb went off. If he feels that strongly about "us" then I can't just force him. So today I am starting my new chapter with my kids. I will hold a spot for him in my heart and this doesn't mean never, it just means not now.
I don't even want to start thinking about how I will have to explain all of this to my kids someday. Especially my daughter who will never have any memories or very many pictures of us together or pictures with him. With the distance, travel isn't going to be often so it makes me wonder what sort of ideas they will come up with. Their dad is a great guy. I fell in love with his sense of humor and sarcasm. We did have really great times and he was someone I could tell anything to. Unfortunately, those don't make a marriage last. His lack of honesty and faithfulness is what can cause things to end. I may never have him as a husband again, but I think that we can begin to work on a friendship. I would love to always have him in my life because I believe we were meant to be in some way. God only knows what my future looks like, so I can just trust in Him and walk forward.

Mr. Sandman, I need you!

What and how B will cope with the rest of his life is what keeps me up at night. It is when I am laying in bed in the dark that my mind starts to wonder towards the future. I can sometimes rope it back and just concentrate on the next morning but there are those nights that I can't help but wonder what life will be like for him. Even if we can mainstream him and he is able to participate in "normal" school, he still has "quirks" that will not just go away, even with time. I wonder what he will be able to accomplish in his wonderful life and what role I will play in it. Will I be a main role like I am today, making sure certain things are done each day/week/month. Or will he be able to live on his own, hold down some sort of job and I can just check in with him weekly/daily to see how he is doing. I know that certain worries would be there even if he was completely normal, but the fact that he does face a lot of challenges keeps me up at night. I know that everything will play out as it should and I need to trust God that things will happen the way they should, but I can't help but worry. I am a HUGE worrier and this is just something else to add to my list. So as I drift off to sleep tonight, I will try my hardest to keep my mind on the fact that B doesn't have school in the morning and we can hopefully sleep in:)

meeting of the minds

I went to a meeting last night for the city I live in. It is made up of parents with kids who have special needs and then the coordinators from preschool and up. I was the first to get there, so I was able to really see everyone that came in and listened to them talking. A few things that I observed right off the bat after introductions was: 1. all women  and 2. The child that they had with special needs were all boys! I at first think that having dad's there would be great perspective on issues considering all these kids are boys. Future topics for meetings include, puberty, sports and driving. All things that would really help to have a males opinions. The meeting was really informative and gives me a lot to look forward to many years down the road as most of the parents had kids who were in middle school and up. I'm glad I went and I look forward to another meeting. It is nice to be amongst understanding at what I'm going through or have gone through. I just hope I can make a connection with another mom soon in my situation. There is just a common bond and it really helps having that common ground.

You can't cure them

so today I didn't wake up thinking that I would be taking a certain stance for Autism. My alarm went off and blurry eyed got B up and went about our routine til he went to school. After he left I checked the ol' fb and saw something that was a bit discerning. A friend had posted a pic of her holding a sign. The sign was anti vaccination about autism and how there are so many more "cases" of autism then back in 1970. I don't even blink an eye when I see or read things about people thinking that vaccinations cause autism. If you haven't done your research, I would suggest doing so and make your opinion based on what you find. I think telling others what to believe is a waste of breath. Back to my story, so what caught me by surprise was that she was sorta cross eyed and not looking at the camera. Sorta looking "autistic" and I thought I was reading into it until one of her friends posted "well that explains your face" so I knew that it was meant that way. So I politely messaged her saying that I wasn't meaning to judge but that if she was trying to look autistic, I can tell you for a fact that not all children have poor eye contact because my son doesn't. She responded back saying she was sorry, it was meant to be funny. FUNNY! I'm not sure what making fun of lots of adults and children who have those complications are funny, but I said nothing. She went on to say she was taking it down and that she believes wholeheartedly that organic living would cure autism. She said she knew this for a fact. I didn't respond knowing that no matter what I said, she believed what she believed and I believed differently. SO then she posted on my wall with a link to a site that went on and on about how it can cure autism and everything. SO I responded with:  I very much appreciate you taking the time to send me this. You had stated earlier today that you believe that clean eating will help cure autism, and I'm not here to say you are completely right or completely wrong. I would like to say that clean and organic eating could most likely curb some of the "quirkiness" that comes from autism, there are many things that make autism, autism, that has nothing to do with behavior. My son is so smart, almost brilliant in areas that kids his age have no clue about. This is because of his autism and something that can't "go away" with any style changes. As passionate as you are about your thinking, I am the same way about awareness about autism. Not the awareness as getting people to realize almost ANYTHING in the world has been said to create autism, but letting people know these kids/adults are amazing people. Yes, they have sensory issues, they cane get over stimulated at things us "normal" people might not see as an issue, they have relationship issues (unable to form proper friendships with peers) and so many more things BUT THESE PEOPLE ARE SO UNBELIEVABLY SMART! They are creative, innovative and are perfect:) Again, thank you for the info, I am going to sit down tonight and really read it while the kids are asleep and I can think:) Thank you for listening to me too, i'll get off my soap box now:)

I had not thought that my stance would be that I wouldn't want B any other way and that the things that make him amazing are because of his autism. It all sorta came together as I was typing and I was surprising myself as I went. I do feel that way, I just hadn't really thought of it quit like that. She responded with that autism isn't my sons life and that people like Temple overcame their "diagnosis". Again, I didn't respond just liked her response and left it at that.

BUT HERE I CAN RESPOND!
 What I would have said back to that. "Temple is an amazing case. She is extremely bright and that is all thanks to lady A! If you ever watch an interview with her, there is no doubt she is still autistic. She still has quirks and if you got to know her life I bet she still has a very hard time making friends or maintaining those relationships. She is an exception, not a rule. People can eat a certain way and may not have as many meltdowns BUT you can't take away what is in the brain. To "cure" anything you have to remove it and you can't just remove autism for someone's body. You can teach someone how to live their lives with their issues but you can't take their issues away."

That is all for the night!

The "if" game

I hadn't planned on writing today but as I sit here trying to keep the tears from falling and hiding all this from my son who is happily playing with his trains a few feet away, I thought it might help to just write my feelings out. I'm not really sure where this panicky feeling came from, I was just sitting with my family. They were watching a football game and it got me thinking that if he was here, he would be watching. If he was here, he would be happy to get to watch the game. I am not a sport fan and tended to watch something else in another room. I would have sat with him and joined in on the conversation happy to have him by my side. If he was here he would have helped with the meltdown B had as we were all sitting there. He would have been able to calm him down or atleast helped me. If he were here, my son would be playing with him, so happy to have him with us again. IF. Those two letters cut at the heart like no other. I stopped playing the "if" game a while back because it wasn't changing the situation and I don't know why today it started. Maybe because things are going okay and I have been able to keep my emotions in check that when it hit me I was totally caught off guard and wasn't prepared to stop it. So it started and it came quick and I could feel my heart starting to pound faster and my mind started to race. It would be perfect if he was here with us and things were different. BUT THEY ARE NOT! This is the reality and I need to stop trying to wonder what if all the darn time. So as I am typing this I am starting to feel more calm and my heart is starting to slow its pace. I need to recenter myself and put all my feelings back into their compartments in my mind. I am the lucky one in this whole situation. I have my two children and all my family and friends. I lost one person, one incredibly significant person, but my kids lost their dad and he lost his kids. As much as I wish so very badly he was missing me and wondering how I was daily, I have to let all that go. I have to realize that this right here is where my life is at and there are no ifs, just now.

Sick

I have been so sick all week and it has been miserable. just a small window into what things will be like when i am completely on my own, however the kids are spending the night at each of their Aunts houses so I can actually get some rest. Thank goodness for family!

Not every kid with ASD is rainman

I started this whole thing to help put get my feelings out on what life is like with a child with autism. I am extremely lucky that he is on the high functioning side of autism, but I think each child faces adversity in their own way. Yes, he is somewhat verbal, but only enough to get some of his points across. Not enough to hold an actual conversation especially with a child his age who will take the time to try to figure out what he is saying. He is very tall for his age, so he looks like he is 4 almost 5 when in reality he is 3 1/2 and on top of that he is way below in speech and relationship so people don't know how to take him. Some people, mostly older women will say things about him having a paci or give me strange looks when he is having a meltdown in public and he looks "normal" so a lot of people don't understand what is wrong with him. But with all the things he can't do, there are so many things he can do that are way beyond his years. HE IS BRILLIANT! The more language he gets, the more I have learned that he has been paying attention all these years. He loves trains and can put together such an intricate track that his teachers say is way beyond his years. He seems to get how things work and how to fix them, things I would not think a 3 year old should already understand and "get". So even though I find myself dwelling on the things he should be doing at his age, I am overwhelmed when I look at the things he can do and do really well. One of the therapist that came to our home for an evaluation noted that we should start preparing for college. He will most likely do something like engineering. Which would be a great job career considering you don't necessarily have to be a people person. Again, he is so friendly but has a hard time expressing himself and I don't know how that is going to play out in his years to come. Here is a track he built one time, again, he is brilliant!

Progress

What a difference 2 weeks can make. B has been in school for that long and he is already making huge strides. I can't believe how excited he is to get on the bus and go to school. I was very worried that he wouldn't like it or he would be happy for a day or two and then get upset. The buy drivers and their para pros are so nice and it helps me feel like he is having a good time going to and from school. His teacher has noted that he is really starting to chatter, I don't know how much she can understand but that is such good news to know that he is opening up and sharing his thoughts and ideas with others. He is such a bright kid and I am really really hoping that this is going to be such a perfect place for him for 2 years. It makes me teary eyed to think/imagine what our lives could be like if he is able to open up his speech and start to be able to initiate play with kids his age. How much better his life will be and ours as well. I see how much he loves his sister and I pray that their relationship will only get better. I see him wanting to play with her but he is too rough or too loud for her sometimes and I hope that his school can help him learn how to play and interact in an appropriate manner. I don't like to think about this too much because if it doesn't happen, I don't want to be upset. So on days that things are going really bad and I am at the end of my rope, I pull out that glimmer of hope and rest my head on the dream that he is going to be able to function in society and will be able to one day have relationships outside of his family.

One step forward, two steps back

Does it seem like when you are having a hard time, everyone around you is completely happy? Every song on the radio is about a happy couple and yet you feel like you are just holding on? Something has got to give on this darn mood. I don't want this to start effecting my kids. I never want my kids to look back at their childhood and think that I was anything but 100% there for them. I know that if I can just get over this hump I will be in such a better place. B is having a really great week of school and I couldn't be prouder of him. He is doing so well getting on and off the bus and seems to really be learning so much! I need to start looking at the little things that make me feel good about where I am right now. I can turn this around with just better perspective. Who knows how things would be if I was still back there right now dealing with how he feels about me.

pity party of 1

First day of October and this month starts the 5 months of holidays and celebrations. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, P's birthday and B's birthday. Each month has something new and exciting to look forward to, but it is also a realization that these holidays and birthdays will not include the one person I had always envisioned to be in my life. It has been a hard few months and some days I feel like I will be able to get through it, but then there are days like today where I feel like I am having a pity party. I have constant dialogue in my head of what is going on and how horrible it is. I have to tell myself to get up every morning.I have to remind myself to make sure I put myself together. Because there are many days I just want to lay in bed and sleep all day. There are days I wish I could get away with just wearing my PJs and doing nothing. BUT I have 2 kids who need me. They need me more than ever because I am the only parent here. I am the only one to feed them, bathe them, hug and kiss them. I hate that some days. I feel overwhelmed some days that this is how my future is going to be. And today is one of those days. One of the days that I have to remind myself to smile and laugh and enjoy the simple things in life. I am incredibly blessed, I have family and friends who have bent over backwards to help me but nothing replaces a spouse. Nothing replaces the security and love a husband can provide. So as today comes to an end, I am happy that I can go to sleep and wake up in the morning knowing I made it another day and that that day can be even better!

Feeling humble

Throughout my years in school, it seemed that everyone poked fun at someone at some point in time. I don't think I was ever completely rude and mean to someone but I know I had made some sarcastic remark about someone a few times. I never was rude or mean to the disabled kids in our school, which had an awesome program for them, so they were around all the time. But what my circle and I can probably make the assumption that most kids would always have a goofy comment about the "short bus". It wasn't really meant to be mean, but instead of calling someone stupid you would jab your friend about riding the short bus. Looking back, that was incredibly mean and hurtful and even though it wasn't meant to be mean, it totally was. Today, I was humbled as I put my son on the "short bus" to go to school. All the horrible stigmas that that darn bus has attached to it made my stomach hurt. Never do I want someone seeing my child on that bus and thinking that he is less of a person because of it. Never do I want other kids to put him down or use the reference of that bus to make fun of one of their friends. It is crazy how God can really pull at our heart and make us learn a lesson. It was a very hard idea to wrap my head around and I have really been struggling with it since I found out he would be taking the bus. I never would have thought that 10-14 years ago that when such sarcastic comment would leave my lips I would be doing what I did today. I am incredibly grateful that B is still so very advanced for his situation and his circumstances could be so much worse, I just pray that I can teach more acceptance to my kids and that they can see that everyone is someone and their circumstances should not be poked fun at.

A letter of regret

I watched this video of a man who wrote a letter to his down syndrome daughter apologizing for how he had felt when he first found out about her. It got me thinking if I would ever need to write a letter like that. I didn't know about his condition til almost 3, so the first few years I always thought his life would go one way. This man talked about how at first he thought that her condition would show some imperfection in him. That people would think he is weak. That hit me hard, because not that autism was caused by me genetically but I feel that sometime when he is having a meltdown or not answering normal questions like "how old are you", I feel shame on myself. I feel embarassed at times. I have dealt with a lot of those emotions and usually just a quick "he is autistic" will usually make the situation better,but  there was a time where I didn't feel that way. Mainly because I didn't really know what was wrong with him or how to help him. I didn't know why he did what he did or what caused him to act in such a way. I was completely clueless just trying to make it through the day. So on days when he wasn't wanting to go grocery shopping and I made him and he has a HUGE meltdown in the aisle, I would look around at all the staring faces and just feel shame. That I had ruined him. That I had failed as a parent and had failed as a person. I have had to go through the many stages of grief with an autism diagnosis. I am much more hopeful these days that B can live a somewhat "normal" life, I still have a hard time looking too far into the future. When he was in the womb there were plans for playing sports and the thought of him going on his first date, getting a drivers license and going to college. He may achieve all those things, but I needed to give up my goals. I have had to mourn the thought he might not want to or be able to play sports. He may or may not have the emotional capability to ask a girl out and maintain a relationship at that level. If either of my kids decided they didn't want to get married or not have kids, I would totally respect their decisions. BUT what would kill me is if that decision was taken from them and Autism took over and made that decision for them. It is hard as a parent to let go of some of the hopeful dreams you have for your kids. I know that my letter would include how much I love him and how much I will love him and encourage him every day of his life. All of the issues I have had with his diagnosis and finding out he wasn't a typical kid has all been on me and my "human failures". I didn't need to put all those expectations on a newborn child. He may have not even liked sports or wanted to go to college. Someone had asked once if I could imagine what B would be like if he didn't have autism...and I couldn't. He wouldn't be him. He wouldn't be the person I have known him to be and he is so perfect in his own ways, that I wouldn't trade him in for a "typical kind". I want a tattoo of the phrase "I wouldn't change you for the world, but I would change the world for you". I think that sums it up perfectly. I don't know if I will ever write him to tell him how foolish I was to think  I had a hand in how he would be when he was born. Only God could make such perfection. It is just my job to raise him the best I know and to love him unconditionally and he will become who he is suppose to.

My Ode to Melatonin

This is still a pretty touchy subject amongst the "typical" world.  A lot of people don't understand why I have chosen to give my son Melatonin at night but I have done my research! I get a lot of people wanting to share the cons with me about using this method and believe me, I have looked very hard into this. I would not just give my son something without first reading the pros and cons of the situation. At this point, the pros beat out the cons. Melatonin is a natural supplement that most people produce naturally and regularly in their own body. It is what causes you to start getting sleepy at night. It regulates your awake time and your sleep time. People who suffer from jet lag take it, because it doesn't give you that groggy feeling and it just speeds up your night time routine of getting tired and then wanting to fall asleep. It doesn't just pass you out. SO ANYWAYS! B does NOT sleep very well. He will go all day without a nap and then maybe sleep like 2-3 hours at night. It was a huge problem right around when P was born. Between him and her, I was getting zero sleep. He was cranky all day from the lack of sleep yet could not settle down to fall asleep on his own. My husband and I started looking into options and this seemed like the safest option. Although I still get flack for giving it to him, mama needs sleep! B needs sleep. He is such a better kid when he sleeps for most the night. Now this works about 50% of the time. So if he isn't feeling very tired , he isn't going to just go to sleep. Now with preschool he is much more tired at night and with the melatonin he is falling asleep around 10 which is huge improvements from midnight and later! If one day melatonin stops being effective then that is a problem I will deal with then, hopefully by then he will be old enough to have some coping skills with the lack of sleep but at 3 1/2 and with an 8 month old sister, sleep is our biggest priority at the time:)

The Scarlet D

I am going through separation with my husband and it will most likely lead to divorce. It's hard to explain everything that happened. I wasn't perfect. I was busy with B. What I learned from it all is that you can't keep someone in a marriage and you can't keep them faithful. I just can't wrap my head around everything and it is a minute to minute situation sometimes. I feel like I could just fall apart somedays, but then I look at my kids and I know that they need me to be strong. I wasn't raised to get a divorce, in my religion it is looked down on. I look down on myself about it. I feel like I walk around with my scarlet D on my shirt and everyone just knows. I go to meetings at school by myself. I go to open house with my parents and not my husband. I feel like everyone just looks at me and just knows. It pains me that this is what is going on in my life right now. I am trying to stay focused on the kids and what they are doing but I am also trying to focus on myself a little. I need to make myself a priority to some degree. I have put myself on the back burner and I haven't felt good about myself in a long time and I need to do that for myself. So tomorrow is a new day and tonight I can cry and let myself fall apart while the babes sleep but when they wake up in the morning I will be fresh and ready to go.....just smile

How Autism has effected my life

I guess September is another autism awareness month. I know April is the big A month but it doesn't hurt to have another one:) Before February of this year I had very little knowledge of autism and it's spectrum. I had watched Parenthood and knew what Aspergers was, but didn't even know it was covered under the Autism umbrella. I had no idea what the red flags were or what the actual symptoms could look like. It wasn't until B's 3 year check up when I asked the doctor if he though B had ADHD and he looked at me and said in a very calm voice that he though I needed to look into Autism. I did not know this at the time but our pediatrician had an autism background and I wish we had him throughout his whole life but unfortunately we didn't get him until we moved to that area. SO we left that appointment and it started to sink in as I drove. Calling my parents and family and letting them know what I thought was most likely wrong and that I needed to start looking into autism, made it start to feel real. When I looked up the red flags my stomach just fell. The not waving or pointing at one, the lack of communication up to this point, walking on his toes, the hate of change, stimming and so on. JUST could not believe it had gone this far and I had NEVER seen it this far. Of course, he is my first and everyone would tell me about a distant relative who did that too, so I just thought it he would catch up eventually. So when I finally got the actual diagnosis, it was more of a relief than a shock. I know God had me wrapped in his arms the last 8 months because it was more comfort to know that what I thought was right and that he could get the help he needed and deserved. I am so so looking forward to him growing and becoming so much more independent:) This new diagnosis has also given me more understanding and empathy towards other people dealing with "difficult" children. I don't judge others anymore when I see a crying kid in a store or a child having a meltdown. Now I know that there might be something else behind the tantrum that we can't see.

1st day down...

We made it through our first day of preschool! B woke up in a good mood (thank goodness!) and proceeded to have a good morning and he seemed pretty excited but still unsure of what was going on. I took him while P stayed with Grain. When we pulled in he asked if I was coming in with him and I told him I was. He was very interested in the buses which was great that he was getting excited. We went in and there was one other child waiting on the same bench and his mom. She introduced herself and asked if we were the new ones. So nice to have friendly people there! She reinforced what I had already thought was that his teacher seemed so very nice and on point with how to teach special needs. With that I left and went and hung out with P for awhile. It was really nice to have some time with just her. We went and picked B up and his teacher said he did awesome! HOW AMAZING! He also wanted to take the bus, which he will very soon, so I am SO excited he wants to ride it. We did a McD lunch stop and he took a NAP! A nap people!!!! He NEVER NAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Phew. What a day and I am so extremely excited to see his full potential being met.

All Aboard the crazy train!

Let me introduce myself, I am a mom of 2 beautiful kids. One of which has ASD (high functioning) He is obsessed with trains and spends most of his time doing so. He is 3 1/2 and starts preschool tomorrow and this mama has mixed feelings. I mean first there is the fact that he is having a harder time detaching from me and I'm nervous he will not be understood, even tho this school caters to his needs and will work with him to learn better social skills and language as well as learn to do daily tasks, I just worry. I get overwhelmed some days and I love him to death, so I know that it can happen. The other thing is as much as I will miss him, I know he will be safe and I am excited to have a few hours with just mah lil girl. She won't know what to do without him lol. So the clothes are laid out, the backpack is packed and his snack is labeled and ready to go. Here is hoping his first day goes smoothly!