whirlwind days

It has been a huge whirlwind few days. I left with a good friend to go and retrieve all of the kids and I's stuff. It was a pretty good trip til we hit the border of my old state and the memories started to flood back. it was a hard few hours and I was anxious just to get there and see it. The house was lonely. He didn't want to be there for his reasons, even tho it pained me to see that he didn't stay to see me. I wanted a hug and a hello from him so bad. I drove all that way and I wasn't worth sticking around for. I melted down a few times having to go through all the boxes of things that we used to share. All the wedding pictures, family photos and such. I yelled a lot and cried hard but I knew I needed to do all of these things here in that place. My friend was amazing. She took charge and worked around my sobbing mess a few times. I could not have done it without her. It was hard to know that would be the last time I would most likely be there. That is the house we brought P home to. The ride home was hard. There were a lot of tears shed for my non existent future with him. Lots of whys and ifs. I learned a lot about the "place" he is in at this time and I pray so hard that he will be able to recover and become a much better dad to our kids, but only time will tell. The kids were sleeping when we pulled in but they were so excited to see me in the morning and getting lots of hugs and kisses helped numb some of the pain that had sprang a leak within. Pain that I honestly thought I had worked through and I had dealt with. Pain that I thought wasn't there anymore, but obviously was just hiding for a few months. B was happy to see a lot more of his toys arrive and it helped make what I did worth it. Now that another thing has been done to make this separation more permanent, I have to keep telling my heart that he is done. I just wish my heart believed it.