Feeling humble

Throughout my years in school, it seemed that everyone poked fun at someone at some point in time. I don't think I was ever completely rude and mean to someone but I know I had made some sarcastic remark about someone a few times. I never was rude or mean to the disabled kids in our school, which had an awesome program for them, so they were around all the time. But what my circle and I can probably make the assumption that most kids would always have a goofy comment about the "short bus". It wasn't really meant to be mean, but instead of calling someone stupid you would jab your friend about riding the short bus. Looking back, that was incredibly mean and hurtful and even though it wasn't meant to be mean, it totally was. Today, I was humbled as I put my son on the "short bus" to go to school. All the horrible stigmas that that darn bus has attached to it made my stomach hurt. Never do I want someone seeing my child on that bus and thinking that he is less of a person because of it. Never do I want other kids to put him down or use the reference of that bus to make fun of one of their friends. It is crazy how God can really pull at our heart and make us learn a lesson. It was a very hard idea to wrap my head around and I have really been struggling with it since I found out he would be taking the bus. I never would have thought that 10-14 years ago that when such sarcastic comment would leave my lips I would be doing what I did today. I am incredibly grateful that B is still so very advanced for his situation and his circumstances could be so much worse, I just pray that I can teach more acceptance to my kids and that they can see that everyone is someone and their circumstances should not be poked fun at.

A letter of regret

I watched this video of a man who wrote a letter to his down syndrome daughter apologizing for how he had felt when he first found out about her. It got me thinking if I would ever need to write a letter like that. I didn't know about his condition til almost 3, so the first few years I always thought his life would go one way. This man talked about how at first he thought that her condition would show some imperfection in him. That people would think he is weak. That hit me hard, because not that autism was caused by me genetically but I feel that sometime when he is having a meltdown or not answering normal questions like "how old are you", I feel shame on myself. I feel embarassed at times. I have dealt with a lot of those emotions and usually just a quick "he is autistic" will usually make the situation better,but  there was a time where I didn't feel that way. Mainly because I didn't really know what was wrong with him or how to help him. I didn't know why he did what he did or what caused him to act in such a way. I was completely clueless just trying to make it through the day. So on days when he wasn't wanting to go grocery shopping and I made him and he has a HUGE meltdown in the aisle, I would look around at all the staring faces and just feel shame. That I had ruined him. That I had failed as a parent and had failed as a person. I have had to go through the many stages of grief with an autism diagnosis. I am much more hopeful these days that B can live a somewhat "normal" life, I still have a hard time looking too far into the future. When he was in the womb there were plans for playing sports and the thought of him going on his first date, getting a drivers license and going to college. He may achieve all those things, but I needed to give up my goals. I have had to mourn the thought he might not want to or be able to play sports. He may or may not have the emotional capability to ask a girl out and maintain a relationship at that level. If either of my kids decided they didn't want to get married or not have kids, I would totally respect their decisions. BUT what would kill me is if that decision was taken from them and Autism took over and made that decision for them. It is hard as a parent to let go of some of the hopeful dreams you have for your kids. I know that my letter would include how much I love him and how much I will love him and encourage him every day of his life. All of the issues I have had with his diagnosis and finding out he wasn't a typical kid has all been on me and my "human failures". I didn't need to put all those expectations on a newborn child. He may have not even liked sports or wanted to go to college. Someone had asked once if I could imagine what B would be like if he didn't have autism...and I couldn't. He wouldn't be him. He wouldn't be the person I have known him to be and he is so perfect in his own ways, that I wouldn't trade him in for a "typical kind". I want a tattoo of the phrase "I wouldn't change you for the world, but I would change the world for you". I think that sums it up perfectly. I don't know if I will ever write him to tell him how foolish I was to think  I had a hand in how he would be when he was born. Only God could make such perfection. It is just my job to raise him the best I know and to love him unconditionally and he will become who he is suppose to.

My Ode to Melatonin

This is still a pretty touchy subject amongst the "typical" world.  A lot of people don't understand why I have chosen to give my son Melatonin at night but I have done my research! I get a lot of people wanting to share the cons with me about using this method and believe me, I have looked very hard into this. I would not just give my son something without first reading the pros and cons of the situation. At this point, the pros beat out the cons. Melatonin is a natural supplement that most people produce naturally and regularly in their own body. It is what causes you to start getting sleepy at night. It regulates your awake time and your sleep time. People who suffer from jet lag take it, because it doesn't give you that groggy feeling and it just speeds up your night time routine of getting tired and then wanting to fall asleep. It doesn't just pass you out. SO ANYWAYS! B does NOT sleep very well. He will go all day without a nap and then maybe sleep like 2-3 hours at night. It was a huge problem right around when P was born. Between him and her, I was getting zero sleep. He was cranky all day from the lack of sleep yet could not settle down to fall asleep on his own. My husband and I started looking into options and this seemed like the safest option. Although I still get flack for giving it to him, mama needs sleep! B needs sleep. He is such a better kid when he sleeps for most the night. Now this works about 50% of the time. So if he isn't feeling very tired , he isn't going to just go to sleep. Now with preschool he is much more tired at night and with the melatonin he is falling asleep around 10 which is huge improvements from midnight and later! If one day melatonin stops being effective then that is a problem I will deal with then, hopefully by then he will be old enough to have some coping skills with the lack of sleep but at 3 1/2 and with an 8 month old sister, sleep is our biggest priority at the time:)

The Scarlet D

I am going through separation with my husband and it will most likely lead to divorce. It's hard to explain everything that happened. I wasn't perfect. I was busy with B. What I learned from it all is that you can't keep someone in a marriage and you can't keep them faithful. I just can't wrap my head around everything and it is a minute to minute situation sometimes. I feel like I could just fall apart somedays, but then I look at my kids and I know that they need me to be strong. I wasn't raised to get a divorce, in my religion it is looked down on. I look down on myself about it. I feel like I walk around with my scarlet D on my shirt and everyone just knows. I go to meetings at school by myself. I go to open house with my parents and not my husband. I feel like everyone just looks at me and just knows. It pains me that this is what is going on in my life right now. I am trying to stay focused on the kids and what they are doing but I am also trying to focus on myself a little. I need to make myself a priority to some degree. I have put myself on the back burner and I haven't felt good about myself in a long time and I need to do that for myself. So tomorrow is a new day and tonight I can cry and let myself fall apart while the babes sleep but when they wake up in the morning I will be fresh and ready to go.....just smile

How Autism has effected my life

I guess September is another autism awareness month. I know April is the big A month but it doesn't hurt to have another one:) Before February of this year I had very little knowledge of autism and it's spectrum. I had watched Parenthood and knew what Aspergers was, but didn't even know it was covered under the Autism umbrella. I had no idea what the red flags were or what the actual symptoms could look like. It wasn't until B's 3 year check up when I asked the doctor if he though B had ADHD and he looked at me and said in a very calm voice that he though I needed to look into Autism. I did not know this at the time but our pediatrician had an autism background and I wish we had him throughout his whole life but unfortunately we didn't get him until we moved to that area. SO we left that appointment and it started to sink in as I drove. Calling my parents and family and letting them know what I thought was most likely wrong and that I needed to start looking into autism, made it start to feel real. When I looked up the red flags my stomach just fell. The not waving or pointing at one, the lack of communication up to this point, walking on his toes, the hate of change, stimming and so on. JUST could not believe it had gone this far and I had NEVER seen it this far. Of course, he is my first and everyone would tell me about a distant relative who did that too, so I just thought it he would catch up eventually. So when I finally got the actual diagnosis, it was more of a relief than a shock. I know God had me wrapped in his arms the last 8 months because it was more comfort to know that what I thought was right and that he could get the help he needed and deserved. I am so so looking forward to him growing and becoming so much more independent:) This new diagnosis has also given me more understanding and empathy towards other people dealing with "difficult" children. I don't judge others anymore when I see a crying kid in a store or a child having a meltdown. Now I know that there might be something else behind the tantrum that we can't see.

1st day down...

We made it through our first day of preschool! B woke up in a good mood (thank goodness!) and proceeded to have a good morning and he seemed pretty excited but still unsure of what was going on. I took him while P stayed with Grain. When we pulled in he asked if I was coming in with him and I told him I was. He was very interested in the buses which was great that he was getting excited. We went in and there was one other child waiting on the same bench and his mom. She introduced herself and asked if we were the new ones. So nice to have friendly people there! She reinforced what I had already thought was that his teacher seemed so very nice and on point with how to teach special needs. With that I left and went and hung out with P for awhile. It was really nice to have some time with just her. We went and picked B up and his teacher said he did awesome! HOW AMAZING! He also wanted to take the bus, which he will very soon, so I am SO excited he wants to ride it. We did a McD lunch stop and he took a NAP! A nap people!!!! He NEVER NAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Phew. What a day and I am so extremely excited to see his full potential being met.

All Aboard the crazy train!

Let me introduce myself, I am a mom of 2 beautiful kids. One of which has ASD (high functioning) He is obsessed with trains and spends most of his time doing so. He is 3 1/2 and starts preschool tomorrow and this mama has mixed feelings. I mean first there is the fact that he is having a harder time detaching from me and I'm nervous he will not be understood, even tho this school caters to his needs and will work with him to learn better social skills and language as well as learn to do daily tasks, I just worry. I get overwhelmed some days and I love him to death, so I know that it can happen. The other thing is as much as I will miss him, I know he will be safe and I am excited to have a few hours with just mah lil girl. She won't know what to do without him lol. So the clothes are laid out, the backpack is packed and his snack is labeled and ready to go. Here is hoping his first day goes smoothly!