A letter of regret

I watched this video of a man who wrote a letter to his down syndrome daughter apologizing for how he had felt when he first found out about her. It got me thinking if I would ever need to write a letter like that. I didn't know about his condition til almost 3, so the first few years I always thought his life would go one way. This man talked about how at first he thought that her condition would show some imperfection in him. That people would think he is weak. That hit me hard, because not that autism was caused by me genetically but I feel that sometime when he is having a meltdown or not answering normal questions like "how old are you", I feel shame on myself. I feel embarassed at times. I have dealt with a lot of those emotions and usually just a quick "he is autistic" will usually make the situation better,but  there was a time where I didn't feel that way. Mainly because I didn't really know what was wrong with him or how to help him. I didn't know why he did what he did or what caused him to act in such a way. I was completely clueless just trying to make it through the day. So on days when he wasn't wanting to go grocery shopping and I made him and he has a HUGE meltdown in the aisle, I would look around at all the staring faces and just feel shame. That I had ruined him. That I had failed as a parent and had failed as a person. I have had to go through the many stages of grief with an autism diagnosis. I am much more hopeful these days that B can live a somewhat "normal" life, I still have a hard time looking too far into the future. When he was in the womb there were plans for playing sports and the thought of him going on his first date, getting a drivers license and going to college. He may achieve all those things, but I needed to give up my goals. I have had to mourn the thought he might not want to or be able to play sports. He may or may not have the emotional capability to ask a girl out and maintain a relationship at that level. If either of my kids decided they didn't want to get married or not have kids, I would totally respect their decisions. BUT what would kill me is if that decision was taken from them and Autism took over and made that decision for them. It is hard as a parent to let go of some of the hopeful dreams you have for your kids. I know that my letter would include how much I love him and how much I will love him and encourage him every day of his life. All of the issues I have had with his diagnosis and finding out he wasn't a typical kid has all been on me and my "human failures". I didn't need to put all those expectations on a newborn child. He may have not even liked sports or wanted to go to college. Someone had asked once if I could imagine what B would be like if he didn't have autism...and I couldn't. He wouldn't be him. He wouldn't be the person I have known him to be and he is so perfect in his own ways, that I wouldn't trade him in for a "typical kind". I want a tattoo of the phrase "I wouldn't change you for the world, but I would change the world for you". I think that sums it up perfectly. I don't know if I will ever write him to tell him how foolish I was to think  I had a hand in how he would be when he was born. Only God could make such perfection. It is just my job to raise him the best I know and to love him unconditionally and he will become who he is suppose to.