It's been 11 months to the day since my last post. So much has happened. So much I am thankful for isn't written down:) January marked the beginning stages of my divorce and it will hopefully be completely over soon. I am so ready for that day. I'm ready to be done with all the drama divorcing brings. We will have our guidelines in black and white and we will both know what is expected of us. B has come so far in 11 months. I'm truly amazed daily by his efforts. I am currently checking into different therapy options to work on his aggression and self harming issues (hitting his face when he is mad or upset). This school year has improved his speech so much and he is really able to verbalize his wants and needs so well!!! Baby girl isn't a baby anymore and is settling in as the little sister very well:) she knows what she wants and doesn't let B push her around. In love with anything Frozen and girly. She is finally starting to make sounds and I can't wait to hear what she has to say. Now for me, I think I have made the biggest strides in 11 months. I got a job, my own car and finally a sense of self worth. It has been a huge growing experience and I am so happy to be so far down this road that I can barely see where I was when I moved here. I don't think I would recognize myself!!! I am learning and working on trust. It has been a huge issue in other areas over the last year and so now I am really trying to make an effort to trust people that consistently show they are trustworthy. This time of year is hard to not be sad a little. I'm grateful that I don't feel how I did last year this time, but I find myself wondering how all this really happened sometimes. I wouldn't change anything. My marriage brought me my kids and this divorce gave me myself back. It is just hard to not feel a bit down and honestly sadness for my kids who don't get to have a while family during the holidays. I know this type of grief is normal and it will lessen over time, so until then, I am going to focus on my kids and the reason for these holidays and keep my head up:)

Another season of thankfulness

As bitter sweet as this holiday season has been I am so thankful to have the health and happiness of these two beautiful children. I feel inadequate sometimes because I am only one person, but I see the smiles and hear the laughter from them and I know that I am doing something right. It is hard to believe that Christmas will be here in 7 days, it is also a great feeling of accomplishment that I have gotten this far. I never would have thought that I would be able to face my days head on and enjoy every tradition of Christmas a few months ago. This has been such an eye opening experience and I am thankful for such a great support system that I have. I am not alone in this even though I don't have a spouse. At this point I am able to  remove myself from the situation emotionally and see how great it is. Yes, it would be nice to have a person to cuddle and love on and feel that affection, but it is also nice to not have someone to argue with or to hurt me with lies daily. As I am writing this B has put together a sleigh with a few reindeer out of stuffed animals and I just have to smile and thank God for this season.

I'll be home for Christmas

I haven't been home for Christmas in over 3 years and before that it was about 4. Every year I wished I could be home to celebrate with my family on the actual day and this year, I get to, yet it just isn't the same. Today I was listening to "all I want for Christmas" and I told B I wanted him and P for Christmas which B adamantly said "no, i no box. i open presents" lol. Then I mumbled that all I wanted for Christmas was my non broken marriage. And it caught me off guard to have said that because I didn't realize that my heart was still really yearning for that. I see couples celebrating anniversaries and expressing their love for each other through hard times as well as the good and I think how amazing that must be to be able to do that. I thought that we got over this huge hump and we would be able to look back and say how small that time was in our lives, but that hump ended up being our entire marriage. I would have never thought that the person I married would do the things he did and I would continue to try to work through it and make it better. So it is bitter sweet to know that I will be "home" for Christmas, even though it is without a key part of our lives.

On the 11th day of Christmas, Autism gave to me.....

This last week has been a huge week in personal growth for me. I feel like I have made such HUGE strides when it comes to myself and my outlook. I feel like I have been able to take a step back and see how much better the kids and I right now. A lot of this comes from learning to be content. I don't think I have ever been content in my life before. There was always something else I felt I needed/wanted, something I wanted to change about myself and so on. Right now I feel content with how everything is. There is nothing I can do about some of the things that are going on, but my emotions I can control to some degree. God has really gotten a hold of me and has helped me see how much I need this contenment to move forward with my life. I am feeling better and better and even though I wish things were different in certain aspects, I again, can't change them or others feelings. The kids are doing wonderful and B is really getting into the Christmas spirit. He asks if ho-ho has come, EVERY MORNING, so we are slowly starting to realize that Christmas is still quit a few nights sleep away, but I am loving the fact that he is so into all the traditions that I remember as a kid. The next 11 days are going to be so much fun! I can't wait:)

Elf on the Shelf

Our little Elf Meek arrived Dec 1st and I have been having so much fun with his different locations. I also have him leaving a tiny little present from the dollar store or the $1 bin from target which has been a huge hit with B. He is starting to get into it more and more each day and I love extending the magic of Christmas to 25 days instead of just one. This has also been a great thing to get my mind off of some of the stuff that is going on and I will take any break I can get. So tonight I am preparing to build an igloo out of mini marshmellows and putting some "north pole snow balls" in the freezer:) I think he will really like this idea. I love seeing him look for him every morning and hopefully I won't have to remind him that he needs to go and find him! Here was lasts night project

Oh Christmas tree Oh Christmas tree

We put up our Christmas tree and it was really nice to spend that time with the kids experiencing all the Christmas magic. B did so well putting each ornament on the tree and like any 3 year old, they were all on the bottom in a group. It was such a normal thing and I loved it so much. I can't get enough of when he does something a kid his age would do. P was so cute picking up any piece of glitter that fell to the ground and was very fascinated with the lights on the tree. I had a great time but it was bitter sweet. In the back of my mind I kept thinking about what last years tree decorating was like and it was hard to not get sad, so I would just busy myself with the kids and let those feelings leave me as quickly as they came. It is starting to get easier the longer we go without much communication from their dad and I don't know how to handle that. I don't want to let go of all these feelings, but holding onto them for someone who can't even call for over 2 weeks to see how his kids are doing is pretty silly on my part. So as we enter this fun Christmas season that will be so much fun now that B is starting to understand the traditions that take place around this time, I am going to keep my mind in the moment and now dwell too much:)

Blue Christmas?

The kids and I had the last few days to ourselves and it has proven to be quit a wake up call to what our lives might look like once we are living on our own. It.is.pretty.lonely. I have tried to keep busy the first few days going to a hands on museum and spending time at my sisters, but it is hard to lug 2 sleeping babies into a very dark and quiet house late at night all by yourself. So yesterday and today we have stayed inside and there is not much conversation going on. Obviously B is talking way more than he was just a few short months ago, but it is nothing like an adult conversation and P just babbles, so I have been left with my own thoughts and feelings and I have come to a conclusion on everything as, it sucks! It sucks huuuugggee to be a single parent around the holidays' but what I have learned about their dad in the last few months, I know we are in the right place for now. It may be too quiet but there is no arguing. There is no passive aggressive behavior and there is no lying. So as hard as it is to realize that things will be very different from now on, I know my kids are getting a healthier life emotionally. With that being said, I have busied myself getting Christmas decorations up and I have had fun doing it on my own a bit. It is overwhelming so I am taking it one tote at a time, but I think it will look great once I am done. I decided to not do our own personal tree this year. We have my parents huge tree to decorate and put presents under so it isn't like the kids won't have one at all, but I just can't handle the emotions attached to each ornament that is hiding in a bin right now. I have tried so hard to deal with each and every situations head on and work through the hurt as I go, but Christmas is going to already be the hardest holiday of them all and I think I will be better healed next year to go through all of that.