Putting my "nice hands" on

I am really starting to get organized with B and his schedule especially. I know that extreme consistency would make everyone's lives perfect, but of course that can't happen in a normal household. His O.T. explained that the reason why most kids do so well at school and then tend to unravel at home is usually because of 2 things. 1. School is very scheduled and consistent why home can't be that way. You have to make modifications on a daily basis and just life in general can get busy and 2. At home most kids feel safe and know that no matter what mommy and daddy are going to love them. So his school's O.T. put together a morning schedule with pictures and I asked B was each picture was and he seemed to get it. Next to each picture we can put a check mark next to it so he can feel the accomplishment on his actions. I am hoping that making his mornings so much better will help create a better day in general. Another thing that was mentioned in the meeting was making sure B wasn't running the household.  I know that I have been over indulging his behavior because I feel bad for what he is having to face and the fact that now his Dad isn't physically here, I feel like I just want to do anything to make him happy, but she said that saying "no" is really good for him. He wants to know that their are boundaries even if he sometimes doesn't like hearing it. If I give him choice and he picks it then is not happy about it, I need to put  my hand out and turn away letting him know that his actions of yelling and screaming are not going to work on me. I am a talker, like most women and she said that trying to rationalize the behavior is going to do nothing but possibly make it worse. So yesterday I did just that and he eventually calmed down then I went to him with a smile and tried to figure out how we could fix the problem. The rest of the week is working on "nice hands". It is a concept of reminding B to be kind and gentle to things, such as his sister. He can be extremely rough and this is at school and at home and I need to get that somewhat under control before he hurts someone on accident. I am to ask him to show me how he would touch the baby and let him show it on me and then I can either say "good" or help to change the strength of the touch. I have a hard time saying "nice hands" in public because it makes me sound like i'm some high and mighty person, but I will need to get over this stigma and realize it is better to be saying it and hopefully preventing someone from getting hurt. SO nice hands will be coming into our vocabulary here in the Ausome Household this week. Wish me luck!

His fancy schedule:

My patience runneth over

I had the opportunity to get away for the weekend and it was SO great to have some time to relax and have just adult conversation for 48 hours straight. Although it was hard the second evening to not have the kids with me, I was able to get great sleep and enjoy some girl time. I came home on Sunday and it felt like I was away for a week. My patience has been filled to the brim and I feel like this has really made me a better mom. As much as it is hard to get time to go away, I know that things like this even for 2 days can make all the difference. It was also reassuring to know that the kids were so well taken care of and that they had a great time with their grandparents, aunt and cousins. So we begin the week feeling very refreshed and ready to take on the days. With B's O.T. appointment last Friday, I have also been equiped with some new tactics to curb some of his behaviors and I'll be sharing more as I use them more and see if they really are working better.
This is one of the views from my mini trip

One for the books..

People who are able to remain completely calm when faced with anything are my heroes lately. I have no idea how they can stay so cool when faced with such adversities. I have been feeling like my patience is very thin the last week. I have to grit my teeth and take a breath so I don't say something to B that I would regret. This morning things were going okay with his morning routine. Although being woken up a few times in the night demanding things is hard to handle when I am not sleeping too well anyways and so I was much more grumpy than usual (B and I are SO not morning people). So I lost my temper when he started yelling and woke his sister up when I was hoping to crawl back into bed for like 30 minutes after the bus came and got him. It was stupid, it wasn't his fault. But I raised my voice back at him and the tears that welled in his eyes made my heart break into a million pieces. He was very quiet til the bus came and I felt horrible after he left knowing I had really hurt his feelings. Nothing usually bothers him like that and I made him feel that way. I felt like the world's worst mommy right then and there. When he got off the bus he was his usually happy self and I apologized for yelling and he said he was sorry for waking the baby. He carried that burden all day at school and that hurt even more. It is hard to raise these kids without a spouse but this isn't their fault at all. It also isn't my job to let them know how hard it is. They never asked for any of this and I am going to try my hardest to make sure they never know how hard this is on me. They need to focus on being kids and having fun not seeing me struggle. I know that all of these events this week has just been preparing me for my weekend. God knew I needed a break and my friend stepped in to help with it. We are going up north on Friday and I am so thankful she saw how much I needed this. I know this is what I need to recharge and be a better parent. I have been going back and forth on wanting to go because I haven't left the kids for this long and I feel like i'm being selfish for going. They already don't have a dad around because of selfishness and I don't want it to appear like I am being selfish too. But they will be in great hands all weekend and that will help and let me relax and enjoy being with friends

Turning the page

Today marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I had really been holding out hope that my husband would have had some sort of realization that this marriage and our family of 4 was what he wanted. It has been almost 3 months since we moved up here and if I would have thought he would still be as mad and harsh to me as the day I left I would have thought you were crazy. I can't completely close the chapter of him because we have two beautiful children together and we will be linked together for life in that way, but I can now start to look towards the future. I don't know why I thought things would change, even after being told he wanted nothing to do with me ever and if it wasn't for the children, he would never speak to me again, but I kept thinking about my kids and how they deserve two parents in the home. Then he told me today he gladly got rid of me, and that darn light bulb went off. If he feels that strongly about "us" then I can't just force him. So today I am starting my new chapter with my kids. I will hold a spot for him in my heart and this doesn't mean never, it just means not now.
I don't even want to start thinking about how I will have to explain all of this to my kids someday. Especially my daughter who will never have any memories or very many pictures of us together or pictures with him. With the distance, travel isn't going to be often so it makes me wonder what sort of ideas they will come up with. Their dad is a great guy. I fell in love with his sense of humor and sarcasm. We did have really great times and he was someone I could tell anything to. Unfortunately, those don't make a marriage last. His lack of honesty and faithfulness is what can cause things to end. I may never have him as a husband again, but I think that we can begin to work on a friendship. I would love to always have him in my life because I believe we were meant to be in some way. God only knows what my future looks like, so I can just trust in Him and walk forward.

Mr. Sandman, I need you!

What and how B will cope with the rest of his life is what keeps me up at night. It is when I am laying in bed in the dark that my mind starts to wonder towards the future. I can sometimes rope it back and just concentrate on the next morning but there are those nights that I can't help but wonder what life will be like for him. Even if we can mainstream him and he is able to participate in "normal" school, he still has "quirks" that will not just go away, even with time. I wonder what he will be able to accomplish in his wonderful life and what role I will play in it. Will I be a main role like I am today, making sure certain things are done each day/week/month. Or will he be able to live on his own, hold down some sort of job and I can just check in with him weekly/daily to see how he is doing. I know that certain worries would be there even if he was completely normal, but the fact that he does face a lot of challenges keeps me up at night. I know that everything will play out as it should and I need to trust God that things will happen the way they should, but I can't help but worry. I am a HUGE worrier and this is just something else to add to my list. So as I drift off to sleep tonight, I will try my hardest to keep my mind on the fact that B doesn't have school in the morning and we can hopefully sleep in:)

meeting of the minds

I went to a meeting last night for the city I live in. It is made up of parents with kids who have special needs and then the coordinators from preschool and up. I was the first to get there, so I was able to really see everyone that came in and listened to them talking. A few things that I observed right off the bat after introductions was: 1. all women  and 2. The child that they had with special needs were all boys! I at first think that having dad's there would be great perspective on issues considering all these kids are boys. Future topics for meetings include, puberty, sports and driving. All things that would really help to have a males opinions. The meeting was really informative and gives me a lot to look forward to many years down the road as most of the parents had kids who were in middle school and up. I'm glad I went and I look forward to another meeting. It is nice to be amongst understanding at what I'm going through or have gone through. I just hope I can make a connection with another mom soon in my situation. There is just a common bond and it really helps having that common ground.

You can't cure them

so today I didn't wake up thinking that I would be taking a certain stance for Autism. My alarm went off and blurry eyed got B up and went about our routine til he went to school. After he left I checked the ol' fb and saw something that was a bit discerning. A friend had posted a pic of her holding a sign. The sign was anti vaccination about autism and how there are so many more "cases" of autism then back in 1970. I don't even blink an eye when I see or read things about people thinking that vaccinations cause autism. If you haven't done your research, I would suggest doing so and make your opinion based on what you find. I think telling others what to believe is a waste of breath. Back to my story, so what caught me by surprise was that she was sorta cross eyed and not looking at the camera. Sorta looking "autistic" and I thought I was reading into it until one of her friends posted "well that explains your face" so I knew that it was meant that way. So I politely messaged her saying that I wasn't meaning to judge but that if she was trying to look autistic, I can tell you for a fact that not all children have poor eye contact because my son doesn't. She responded back saying she was sorry, it was meant to be funny. FUNNY! I'm not sure what making fun of lots of adults and children who have those complications are funny, but I said nothing. She went on to say she was taking it down and that she believes wholeheartedly that organic living would cure autism. She said she knew this for a fact. I didn't respond knowing that no matter what I said, she believed what she believed and I believed differently. SO then she posted on my wall with a link to a site that went on and on about how it can cure autism and everything. SO I responded with:  I very much appreciate you taking the time to send me this. You had stated earlier today that you believe that clean eating will help cure autism, and I'm not here to say you are completely right or completely wrong. I would like to say that clean and organic eating could most likely curb some of the "quirkiness" that comes from autism, there are many things that make autism, autism, that has nothing to do with behavior. My son is so smart, almost brilliant in areas that kids his age have no clue about. This is because of his autism and something that can't "go away" with any style changes. As passionate as you are about your thinking, I am the same way about awareness about autism. Not the awareness as getting people to realize almost ANYTHING in the world has been said to create autism, but letting people know these kids/adults are amazing people. Yes, they have sensory issues, they cane get over stimulated at things us "normal" people might not see as an issue, they have relationship issues (unable to form proper friendships with peers) and so many more things BUT THESE PEOPLE ARE SO UNBELIEVABLY SMART! They are creative, innovative and are perfect:) Again, thank you for the info, I am going to sit down tonight and really read it while the kids are asleep and I can think:) Thank you for listening to me too, i'll get off my soap box now:)

I had not thought that my stance would be that I wouldn't want B any other way and that the things that make him amazing are because of his autism. It all sorta came together as I was typing and I was surprising myself as I went. I do feel that way, I just hadn't really thought of it quit like that. She responded with that autism isn't my sons life and that people like Temple overcame their "diagnosis". Again, I didn't respond just liked her response and left it at that.

BUT HERE I CAN RESPOND!
 What I would have said back to that. "Temple is an amazing case. She is extremely bright and that is all thanks to lady A! If you ever watch an interview with her, there is no doubt she is still autistic. She still has quirks and if you got to know her life I bet she still has a very hard time making friends or maintaining those relationships. She is an exception, not a rule. People can eat a certain way and may not have as many meltdowns BUT you can't take away what is in the brain. To "cure" anything you have to remove it and you can't just remove autism for someone's body. You can teach someone how to live their lives with their issues but you can't take their issues away."

That is all for the night!

The "if" game

I hadn't planned on writing today but as I sit here trying to keep the tears from falling and hiding all this from my son who is happily playing with his trains a few feet away, I thought it might help to just write my feelings out. I'm not really sure where this panicky feeling came from, I was just sitting with my family. They were watching a football game and it got me thinking that if he was here, he would be watching. If he was here, he would be happy to get to watch the game. I am not a sport fan and tended to watch something else in another room. I would have sat with him and joined in on the conversation happy to have him by my side. If he was here he would have helped with the meltdown B had as we were all sitting there. He would have been able to calm him down or atleast helped me. If he were here, my son would be playing with him, so happy to have him with us again. IF. Those two letters cut at the heart like no other. I stopped playing the "if" game a while back because it wasn't changing the situation and I don't know why today it started. Maybe because things are going okay and I have been able to keep my emotions in check that when it hit me I was totally caught off guard and wasn't prepared to stop it. So it started and it came quick and I could feel my heart starting to pound faster and my mind started to race. It would be perfect if he was here with us and things were different. BUT THEY ARE NOT! This is the reality and I need to stop trying to wonder what if all the darn time. So as I am typing this I am starting to feel more calm and my heart is starting to slow its pace. I need to recenter myself and put all my feelings back into their compartments in my mind. I am the lucky one in this whole situation. I have my two children and all my family and friends. I lost one person, one incredibly significant person, but my kids lost their dad and he lost his kids. As much as I wish so very badly he was missing me and wondering how I was daily, I have to let all that go. I have to realize that this right here is where my life is at and there are no ifs, just now.

Sick

I have been so sick all week and it has been miserable. just a small window into what things will be like when i am completely on my own, however the kids are spending the night at each of their Aunts houses so I can actually get some rest. Thank goodness for family!

Not every kid with ASD is rainman

I started this whole thing to help put get my feelings out on what life is like with a child with autism. I am extremely lucky that he is on the high functioning side of autism, but I think each child faces adversity in their own way. Yes, he is somewhat verbal, but only enough to get some of his points across. Not enough to hold an actual conversation especially with a child his age who will take the time to try to figure out what he is saying. He is very tall for his age, so he looks like he is 4 almost 5 when in reality he is 3 1/2 and on top of that he is way below in speech and relationship so people don't know how to take him. Some people, mostly older women will say things about him having a paci or give me strange looks when he is having a meltdown in public and he looks "normal" so a lot of people don't understand what is wrong with him. But with all the things he can't do, there are so many things he can do that are way beyond his years. HE IS BRILLIANT! The more language he gets, the more I have learned that he has been paying attention all these years. He loves trains and can put together such an intricate track that his teachers say is way beyond his years. He seems to get how things work and how to fix them, things I would not think a 3 year old should already understand and "get". So even though I find myself dwelling on the things he should be doing at his age, I am overwhelmed when I look at the things he can do and do really well. One of the therapist that came to our home for an evaluation noted that we should start preparing for college. He will most likely do something like engineering. Which would be a great job career considering you don't necessarily have to be a people person. Again, he is so friendly but has a hard time expressing himself and I don't know how that is going to play out in his years to come. Here is a track he built one time, again, he is brilliant!

Progress

What a difference 2 weeks can make. B has been in school for that long and he is already making huge strides. I can't believe how excited he is to get on the bus and go to school. I was very worried that he wouldn't like it or he would be happy for a day or two and then get upset. The buy drivers and their para pros are so nice and it helps me feel like he is having a good time going to and from school. His teacher has noted that he is really starting to chatter, I don't know how much she can understand but that is such good news to know that he is opening up and sharing his thoughts and ideas with others. He is such a bright kid and I am really really hoping that this is going to be such a perfect place for him for 2 years. It makes me teary eyed to think/imagine what our lives could be like if he is able to open up his speech and start to be able to initiate play with kids his age. How much better his life will be and ours as well. I see how much he loves his sister and I pray that their relationship will only get better. I see him wanting to play with her but he is too rough or too loud for her sometimes and I hope that his school can help him learn how to play and interact in an appropriate manner. I don't like to think about this too much because if it doesn't happen, I don't want to be upset. So on days that things are going really bad and I am at the end of my rope, I pull out that glimmer of hope and rest my head on the dream that he is going to be able to function in society and will be able to one day have relationships outside of his family.

One step forward, two steps back

Does it seem like when you are having a hard time, everyone around you is completely happy? Every song on the radio is about a happy couple and yet you feel like you are just holding on? Something has got to give on this darn mood. I don't want this to start effecting my kids. I never want my kids to look back at their childhood and think that I was anything but 100% there for them. I know that if I can just get over this hump I will be in such a better place. B is having a really great week of school and I couldn't be prouder of him. He is doing so well getting on and off the bus and seems to really be learning so much! I need to start looking at the little things that make me feel good about where I am right now. I can turn this around with just better perspective. Who knows how things would be if I was still back there right now dealing with how he feels about me.

pity party of 1

First day of October and this month starts the 5 months of holidays and celebrations. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, P's birthday and B's birthday. Each month has something new and exciting to look forward to, but it is also a realization that these holidays and birthdays will not include the one person I had always envisioned to be in my life. It has been a hard few months and some days I feel like I will be able to get through it, but then there are days like today where I feel like I am having a pity party. I have constant dialogue in my head of what is going on and how horrible it is. I have to tell myself to get up every morning.I have to remind myself to make sure I put myself together. Because there are many days I just want to lay in bed and sleep all day. There are days I wish I could get away with just wearing my PJs and doing nothing. BUT I have 2 kids who need me. They need me more than ever because I am the only parent here. I am the only one to feed them, bathe them, hug and kiss them. I hate that some days. I feel overwhelmed some days that this is how my future is going to be. And today is one of those days. One of the days that I have to remind myself to smile and laugh and enjoy the simple things in life. I am incredibly blessed, I have family and friends who have bent over backwards to help me but nothing replaces a spouse. Nothing replaces the security and love a husband can provide. So as today comes to an end, I am happy that I can go to sleep and wake up in the morning knowing I made it another day and that that day can be even better!