One for the books..

People who are able to remain completely calm when faced with anything are my heroes lately. I have no idea how they can stay so cool when faced with such adversities. I have been feeling like my patience is very thin the last week. I have to grit my teeth and take a breath so I don't say something to B that I would regret. This morning things were going okay with his morning routine. Although being woken up a few times in the night demanding things is hard to handle when I am not sleeping too well anyways and so I was much more grumpy than usual (B and I are SO not morning people). So I lost my temper when he started yelling and woke his sister up when I was hoping to crawl back into bed for like 30 minutes after the bus came and got him. It was stupid, it wasn't his fault. But I raised my voice back at him and the tears that welled in his eyes made my heart break into a million pieces. He was very quiet til the bus came and I felt horrible after he left knowing I had really hurt his feelings. Nothing usually bothers him like that and I made him feel that way. I felt like the world's worst mommy right then and there. When he got off the bus he was his usually happy self and I apologized for yelling and he said he was sorry for waking the baby. He carried that burden all day at school and that hurt even more. It is hard to raise these kids without a spouse but this isn't their fault at all. It also isn't my job to let them know how hard it is. They never asked for any of this and I am going to try my hardest to make sure they never know how hard this is on me. They need to focus on being kids and having fun not seeing me struggle. I know that all of these events this week has just been preparing me for my weekend. God knew I needed a break and my friend stepped in to help with it. We are going up north on Friday and I am so thankful she saw how much I needed this. I know this is what I need to recharge and be a better parent. I have been going back and forth on wanting to go because I haven't left the kids for this long and I feel like i'm being selfish for going. They already don't have a dad around because of selfishness and I don't want it to appear like I am being selfish too. But they will be in great hands all weekend and that will help and let me relax and enjoy being with friends