The "if" game

I hadn't planned on writing today but as I sit here trying to keep the tears from falling and hiding all this from my son who is happily playing with his trains a few feet away, I thought it might help to just write my feelings out. I'm not really sure where this panicky feeling came from, I was just sitting with my family. They were watching a football game and it got me thinking that if he was here, he would be watching. If he was here, he would be happy to get to watch the game. I am not a sport fan and tended to watch something else in another room. I would have sat with him and joined in on the conversation happy to have him by my side. If he was here he would have helped with the meltdown B had as we were all sitting there. He would have been able to calm him down or atleast helped me. If he were here, my son would be playing with him, so happy to have him with us again. IF. Those two letters cut at the heart like no other. I stopped playing the "if" game a while back because it wasn't changing the situation and I don't know why today it started. Maybe because things are going okay and I have been able to keep my emotions in check that when it hit me I was totally caught off guard and wasn't prepared to stop it. So it started and it came quick and I could feel my heart starting to pound faster and my mind started to race. It would be perfect if he was here with us and things were different. BUT THEY ARE NOT! This is the reality and I need to stop trying to wonder what if all the darn time. So as I am typing this I am starting to feel more calm and my heart is starting to slow its pace. I need to recenter myself and put all my feelings back into their compartments in my mind. I am the lucky one in this whole situation. I have my two children and all my family and friends. I lost one person, one incredibly significant person, but my kids lost their dad and he lost his kids. As much as I wish so very badly he was missing me and wondering how I was daily, I have to let all that go. I have to realize that this right here is where my life is at and there are no ifs, just now.