I'll be home for Christmas

I haven't been home for Christmas in over 3 years and before that it was about 4. Every year I wished I could be home to celebrate with my family on the actual day and this year, I get to, yet it just isn't the same. Today I was listening to "all I want for Christmas" and I told B I wanted him and P for Christmas which B adamantly said "no, i no box. i open presents" lol. Then I mumbled that all I wanted for Christmas was my non broken marriage. And it caught me off guard to have said that because I didn't realize that my heart was still really yearning for that. I see couples celebrating anniversaries and expressing their love for each other through hard times as well as the good and I think how amazing that must be to be able to do that. I thought that we got over this huge hump and we would be able to look back and say how small that time was in our lives, but that hump ended up being our entire marriage. I would have never thought that the person I married would do the things he did and I would continue to try to work through it and make it better. So it is bitter sweet to know that I will be "home" for Christmas, even though it is without a key part of our lives.