I don't want to talk about my feelings!

I have been shying away from writing here because I honestly do not want to face my thoughts and feelings. With the first major holiday coming up, I have been having a really really hard time dealing with everything. Their dad has made zero contact in 6 days and it is killing me. I can't stand that he doesn't care enough to text/call/skype with the kids. It is also hard because everything that the kids require is coming out of my pocket and I don't have much money to begin with. Since I hadn't worked for over a 1 1/2 years to tend to B and right now he still needs me here with him, I don't know exactly where to go with that. I have some ideas of things I want to be when "I grow up" but they are new ideas since I never thought I would be left to take care of the kids myself. So this week has been on reflecting. I have found out more info that their dad was hiding from me and it all just makes me wonder what was truth in our marriage. I know my feelings were truth, but were his? Did he ever really care? After what I've found out this week, I can honestly say, I do not know. You don't do the things he has done if you honestly love and care about your spouse. I am trying hard to figure out what my next move is going to be. Trying to see what my options are and if they work for all 3 of us. B needs me home. Whatever job I get, I have to be able to see him a lot. I can't make him go to school then ship him to daycare. He needs down time after school. He needs to be able to relax after working so hard during school. He just unfolds most days afterwards and after meeting with his teachers last week, I know that he really does a ton of work while he is there. P is much more easy going and would most likely go with the flow with whatever I chose, so B is the one I have to really consider at this time. So as much as I have tried to stay Thankful this whole month, I am definitely starting to feel down about it all. Most of my family will be out of town next week, so it is even more noticeable that things are totally not the same as they usually are. The only good thing is that neither kid remembers any traditions so we can start fresh and make our own starting now.